The Mirage of Relationships!

From the Publisher:

 
      Relation-ships have been a rich and theatrical show ground in the waves of my life. During the stay in my mother’s womb, I had my first dramatic moment when my mother was set on jumping out of a moving vehicle if my father didn’t marry her. How’s that for a start? I wonder what the word would be for one who is conceived by an unmarried woman. Would mastard be most appropriate?

      That was the initiation of a journey towards mastering the art of relationships. The years to follow would bring thrills and chills of moments and experiences filled with shakings and awakenings, lessons and insights, people and spaces, tools and guidance on the inner workings of relating. Seeing through the mirage of relationships can ultimately open you to the soul and breadth of relating.

 

        Dictionary.com defines relationships as: a connection, association or involvement; connection between persons by blood or marriage; an emotional or other connection between people, i.e. between teachers and students; a sexual involvement; affair. Based on the diverse meanings of the word relationship we are constantly creating and forming relationships throughout any given day. This means that from the moment you develop an emotional response toward someone - whether it’s the anger you feel when you are cut off in traffic or the emotions that surfaces at the first introduction to someone you like or don’t like – a relationship is established once you respond internally. Short or long lived it matters not.

My question then is if we are forming so many relationships how does that affect us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually? What comes to mind is that isn’t it then important to our well being that we form ties that strengthen and empower us rather than deplete our resources and destroy our peace of mind?

Relationship is one of the most talked about and pursued areas of our human lives. Some women panic as they age and wake up each morning without a significant other while men continue to be in the dark at understanding and relating to the opposite sex. A native Washingtonian woman declared a fast for creating her ultimate relationship saying, “The fast is focused on the manifestation of marriage/motherhood and releasing any remaining blockages of mine.” 

A divorced father living in Zurich believes, “Today it's not so easy to have a relationship... most want to stay leader or want just to slave the other.” While a single man from the West coast of the US believes that, “Relationships generally define themselves.” Why so I asked? Is it because people are not actively participating, defining and building solid and meaningful relationships and as a result relationships are taking shapes of their own?

The art of relating has never been important enough to merit a place in the curriculum of the scholarly world. It’s no wonder intellectuals and many teachers of our school aged children still know little about relating. Shouldn’t this be a focus at the onset of life? For the most part people are living without consciously relating with each other. This is evident in global wars, the high rates of divorce and school drop-outs.

My exploration uncovered that people are definitely searching but are generally looking in the wrong direction.  Some were not clear on the designs of a relationship and others were pretty extensive and wordy in defining a relationship and laying the perimeters and Relationship Perspectives.  

How do you relate with YOU or with the “I” that you are? Do I trust myself? Do I like myself? Do I understand myself? Do I listen to myself?  Do I know my needs? How do I feel about myself? These are key questions.  And no doubt these are the building blocks for relating harmoniously and understandably with others. Answers to the above questions can often be found in our patterns of relating with others. With each relationship as a mirror reflecting some aspect of our character, we are then portraits and manifestations of one another.

INTIMACY 

In the compartment of intimate relationships, when it comes to relating to another there are fundamental questions and moral issues that must be raised. Trust is a common example. We frequently respond to the issue of trust by shifting the responsibility on the other person. Throughout the waves of my own life I have come to learn that how I exist with another on a core level will determine and reveal to me how that person co-exist with me.  I call it “keeping it real”.

          You meet someone and decide that you want to see each other or would like to let the ship take its course.  The dating game is on. You see each other perhaps twice or more a week, depending on the intensity of the feelings between the individuals and the time and resources available to enable those moments.  Between those times you begin to question whether or not that person is seeing someone else when your calls are not returned when you want them. You question and become suspicious of the frequent ringing of his phone when you’re together. Doubt begins to breed on the soil of your emotional grounds, followed by the mask of fear.

 

I’ve witnessed others being trapped behind a foggy glass created by the steam of their own breath.  Unable to see and experience their own self or understand the mistrust, the doubt, and the fears that are theirs and not necessarily of the other person. At first there is resistance to the knowing and accepting of the other as a mirror reflecting an image back to them.  But once this phenomenon is understood with consciousness, unlocking this mystery opens a whole new world to relating and loving.

BLENDING   

There is another aspect to mirroring and relating worth  noting.  Depending on one’s vulnerability, a person can be susceptible to blending and taking on the emotions or intensity of another.  I learned about blending the hard way during my training as a massage therapist and have seen and experienced it outside the arena of my professional work and in my personal relationships. I recall giving a massage to another massage therapist and feeling rather upset after she left.  I became irritated and soon noticed feelings of anger as I cleaned up after her session. During my moments of confusion, I soon realized that I had taken on the emotions of this woman. The next day, my instructor confirmed that we had indeed blended.

        Early on in my bodywork training, I became ill after doing a series of massages. Again I discovered that I was blending with those on my table and like an incinerator I was collecting the emotional compost of others. On several occasions I wondered why I acted or felt a certain way when interacting with a particular person only to discover that security of my energy field had been breached by the forces of another.

        Relationships are reflectors of light, heat, sound, and other forms of energy. These reflectors allow us to see our way through our own darkness. This is a fascinating and magical aspect of relating. If we see relating as an opportunity rather than a challenge then we can understand the dynamics of heart and spirit through actions, words and vibrations.

One of the foremost ingredients of developing a healthy relationship is to establish clear intentions and be mindful of the exchange that naturally occurs. (And I mean the hidden negative thoughts that slowly eat away at your core.)  Much is going on when you two people interact.  There are unspoken words, thoughts, questions, ideas, compounded by the contents we carry in our energy baskets. I believe that each person brings something to our existence and we in turn must give back. 

 

 
 

   

Planting seeds of acceptance and intentions through ritual is a
powerful act and starting point of any important relationship. Start with a sensual sacred space to initiate a promising union. Write down the strengths and qualities you admire and like in yourself. Don’t be modest or inhibited. Next, acknowledge the weaknesses you’ve relived and discovered through past human interactions and experiences. Write them down as well. 

            Make friends with your weak spots and allow yourself to see their role and the necessity of their existence. Sometimes what we consider short comings can be the fertilizer that will nourish us into a beautiful flower. So it’s important that we are mindful of the beliefs and thoughts that we harbor. Focusing on what you desire and need is the key, rather than focusing on what you don’t want and what is wrong.

Give thanks to the other for what they bring to you – good or bad, peace or war. Allow yourself to unfold into your own being and to see through the optical illusions, the mirage that prevent us from seeing the true portrait of our internal design through the lens of our relationships.